


A Wonderland All Our Own

by EveryOtherUsernameWasTaken6604



Category: South Park
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Angst, Angst and Humor, Children, Fights, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Humor, Imagination, M/M, Nature, Petal Meadows, Role-Playing Game, South Park: The Stick of Truth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-26
Updated: 2019-10-22
Packaged: 2020-05-19 22:56:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19365454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EveryOtherUsernameWasTaken6604/pseuds/EveryOtherUsernameWasTaken6604
Summary: "Some day you will be old enough to start believing in fairy tales again."- C.S. LewisOne fateful day in the Kingdom of Kupa Keep (also known as Cartman's backyard), Feldspar the thief (Craig Tucker) does battle with the other warriors and wizards of Zaron for the hand of Princess Kenny. Naturally, he wins, and spends a lovely day with the equally lovely princess.But, all good things must come to an end, and in what seems like the blink of an eye, Craig's 18 and going off to college, and that day is only a beloved memory...until a tragic event forces him to return to South Park, and to that dress-clad boy of so many days ago...





	1. Off With Their Heads!

Cartman grunted with exertion a few times. He stopped moving to catch his breath and wipe some of the sweat from his brow.

“Jesus fuck, I didn't know climbing a ladder was so hard,” he panted, before resuming his slow and labored climb. 

Above him, his companion, Princess Kenny, responded, “Ugh. Try doing it in heels.”

She then clambered onto the battlement and stood near the left side. Huffing and gasping for breath, Cartman followed. After taking a moment to catch his breath, he gestured to the princess, who poked her tongue hang out of her mouth slightly, squinted, and fired an arrow from her pink-ribboned bow.

With a loud high-pitched noise, the projectile streaked through the air and burst like a firework into a pink heart shape, a crackling sound accompanying the explosion of magic. The noise and shape catching their attention, the citizens of Kupa Keep looked up towards the tower where the king and princess stood. 

“Hear ye, hear ye!” cried Cartman, his voice cracking as he started to speak; he wasn't used to yelling in a tone that wasn't angry.“Attention, all denizens of the Kingdom of Kupa Keep!”

“Ugh, what’s he on about now?” mumbled a hooded figure leaning against a wall.

The blond, leather-clad boy next to him twitched slightly and responded, “Oh, i-it must be important if Princess Kenny's with him. Gah, I hope it's not bad news…”

The king continued his speech: “I know that you must be growing tired of the monotony of life lately. I myself am getting quite bored without Je—er,  _ elves _ to fight. As such, I have come up with an ingenious plan!”

“Hey, what do ya know? He got somethin’ right for once,” said the black-haired youth. 

The blond started to twitch more violently.

“There will be...a contest! A contest of battle strategy, strength, and survivability! For you will need all three to come out on top!”

Princess Kenny, in a rather undignified way, snickered loudly, and cleared her throat as she saw Cartman give her an odd glance. 

“Maybe you should enter, Craig—I-I mean, Feldspar the thief. You've got 13 dexterity and 15 strength,” suggested the blond barbarian. “You m-multiclassed into dark mage, right? That gives you an extra two intelligence and some pretty useful spells.”

“Maybe you're right. Hang on a sec…”

Craig lifted his head and cupped his hand to his mouth, calling out to the two royals, “What do we get if we win?” 

“I was  _ getting _ to that!” the king called through gritted teeth. “The winner shall receive a romantic day with the lovely Princess Kenny!”

The princess giggled and brushed a lock of her blonde wig out of her face. 

“Ooh. Th-that sounds k-kinda fun. M-maybe I'll enter,” said Tweek, a faint tint of red appearing on his cheeks. 

Cartman finished his speech with, “Speak to the ranger Scott, son of Malkin, to enroll.”

Craig stepped away from the wall and stretched his arms, then started to make his way towards Scott's desk in front of the coliseum where battles were held. The desk was already being flooded with other kids: he saw Wendy, Clyde, Butters...soon enough, however, there were too many people to make out any faces. Tweek followed closely behind his friend. 

“Y-you gonna sign up, Cr—Feldspar?” he asked, though he twitched and growled quietly as he made another error. “D-do you really wanna spend a day with Princess Kenny?” 

“Don't be dumb, Tweek. It just seems like it might be cool to stomp these guys’ sorry asses.”

“If you say so…” 

Tweek softly whistled a well-known romantic song, often sung by Jimmy the bard.

Utilizing his natural stealth, the thief moved through the crowd, nudging people out of the way and skillfully blending in. He snatched the white quill pen up from Scott's desk and wrote his and Tweek's names on the signup sheet, then left as quickly as he had entered. He popped out from the crowd of people and retook his place next to Tweek.

“I'm a-always impressed when you do that.”

“It's nothing for a level twelve thief/level six dark mage.” 

Soon enough, the sheet was full, and Scott waved away the rest of the crowd, who collectively groaned and walked away. Seeing this, the princess blushed. 

“Goodness, it seems my time is rather desirable!”

“Now, we shall begin!” the wizard king called out. “Competitors, to the arena! The contest will start with a battle royale! The last one standing will be crowned the victor!”

The crowd surged to the arena (which was actually just a very large sandbox), and the guards soon moved them into an orderly circle at the center of the flat sands. His eyes flickering over them, Craig sized up the competition; the strongest enemies seemed to be Butters the paladin, Wendy the fighter (though she preferred “shieldmaiden”), Tweek, and Bebe the blood elf ranger, all of whom were either fast enough to dodge his powerful sneak attacks or had enough defense to tank them. Oddly, he noticed that Bebe seemed to be blushing a little.

He knew Tweek would go easy on him (though he hoped Tweek would be quickly taken out so they wouldn't have to fight), Butters’ light affinity made him weak to dark magic, and Wendy's defenses could be penetrated with his limited magic to soften her up if need be. Bebe, however, seemed to be the greatest threat; her blood magic meant she could hurt herself to become stronger, while still being fast enough to dodge him so that the damage wouldn't matter. 

“Are the contestants ready?” called the king.

He would need to think about this more during the fight: Bebe would require something creative.

“Three...two...one…”

Craig took a deep breath and gripped his twin daggers tighter. 

“Battle!” 

Instantly, the arena exploded with the sound of arrows being loosed and magic spells being cast. Craig leaped backward to avoid the initial attacks, and barely avoided a magic bolt from Douchebag. 

_ Quiet little fucker, isn't he? _

He attempted to rush to the edge of the arena to hide, but ran directly into a waiting Clyde, who growled and leveled his sword. 

“My apologies, friend, but Princess Kenny’s beauty is worth any batt—”

With a flourish of his wrist, Craig disarmed Clyde and pointed his knife at the brunette boy's throat. A quick slash, and Clyde was incapacitated; before his unconscious body hit the ground, Craig had already dashed to the edge. He stepped close to the wall, and, with the help of a short incantation to darken the shadows around him, was soon completely hidden from view.

As the others fought and were defeated, Craig remained out of sight, only briefly exiting his hiding place to finish off anyone who got close  before retreating again. He breathed a soft sigh of relief as Tweek and Token were eliminated. He didn't want to hurt his friends if at all possible—Clyde was just an unfortunate necessity. Soon, he saw that Bebe was the only one left, and with her keen elven sight, it was only a matter of time before she saw him. He had to quickly surprise her and take her out. 

The thief quietly worked his way around to her position. Preparing to spring out and attack her, he was caught off guard as she whirled around and notched an arrow to her expertly crafted bow. The projectile shot at him, impaling itself into the wood just next to his ear. 

_ Fuck. Guess I got no choice.  _

Craig slid across the ground, scooping up a handful of sand to throw in her face, but was once again outplayed as she stomped on his arm with her high-heeled boot, stopping him in his tracks. 

His dark green eyes gazed into her lighter green ones as she notched another arrow. However, she didn't immediately fire, and Craig noticed that same blush from earlier on her face. He shut his eyes, bracing for the sting of the missile, and heard her bowstring release…then felt nothing. 

He opened his eyes to see the arrow buried in the sand next to him, once again having barely missed. 

“I surrender,” the blood elf said, slinging her weapon over her shoulder.

Cartman dramatically called out, “Then Feldspar the thief has won!”

Craig stood up, still in shock, and dusted himself off. Clerics rushed into the area and began chanting spells over the fallen warriors (and administering band-aids and Cheesy Poofs). Craig glanced around to look for Bebe, but she was already gone. Tweek, his wounds healed, approached his friend with a warm smile on his face. Clyde, Token, and Jimmy soon did the same. 

“That was awesome, Craig!” cried Clyde. “I was all ‘I am sorry, old friend,’ and you were all ‘I will do what must be done,’ and then you were like—” he made a slicing noise—“and I was like ‘blaaah!’”

“Is  _ that  _ how it happened?” Token sarcastically quipped. 

Jimmy nudged the noirette with his lute and asked, “Wh-wh-what are you gonna do on your date with Princess K-K-Kenny, Cr-Craig?” 

“Y-yeah. You may not have wanted it, but it's what you got,” added Tweek. 

“Good question…”

_ What  _ am  _ I gonna do? I've never been on a real date before. Never even had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend either.  _

Craig continued to think it over as he and his friends stepped out of the arena. As Kenny and Cartman walked toward the cardboard castle near the edge of Kupa Keep, the princess giggled and waved to Craig with her slender gloved hand. 

“I shall see you tomorrow, my champion,” she called. 

_ Tomorrow...I gotta get ready. Wait, why am I bein’ so serious? This is weird… _

A timid “Um, C-Craig?” from Tweek brought him back to reality, where he was about to run into a wall.

His friends had a good laugh at his expense and, as dusk settled over the city, began to walk home, adjusting and slightly loosening their Stick of Truth costumes as they walked. Craig almost immediately threw himself into bed, exhausted from all that roleplaying. His eyes drifted shut, and he went gentle into that good night; he dreamt of Kenny giggling and smiling, every movement one of happiness and cheer, and he felt his heart soar...


	2. A Very Important Date

The next day, Craig slowly rose out of bed, awoken by a knock on his front door. He briefly looked at himself in a mirror on the wall. His black hair, usually rather well-kept, was unkempt and messy: the worst case of bed-head he'd ever seen. He ran his hands through his hair to correct it; though it wasn't perfect, there was some noticeable improvement. The noirette then stepped to the door and swung it open.

It was Kenny, in his princess dress, who greeted him with, “Hail and well met, good commoner! Pray, is Feldspar the rogue here? He has won a day of my time, you see, and I have come to grant him his reward.”

“Uhh...yes, Princess Kenny! Feldspar will be right out,” he stammered out awkwardly. 

Craig shut the door and began to breathe more heavily. What was Kenny doing here so early? He hadn't even had time to prepare! And why did he  _ care  _ so much about this?

Shuddering, he took a deep, controlled breath and found himself feeling calmer. 

_ I should get my costume on.  _

With that, he walked back to his room and opened his closet, where his rogue outfit was the only thing hung up- the rest was in unorganized piles on the floor. He quickly changed into the cloth costume and walked back downstairs, opening the door again. 

“Greetings, Princess Kenny,” he said. 

“Ah, how wonderful to see you, good Sir Feldspar! Are you prepared? I have a lovely little place I like to go on days like this.” 

“Of course, princess,” Craig curtly responded, giving a rather stilted bow. 

“Then, onward! To a land of beauty and magic the likes of which you have never seen!”

Hoisting up his skirt, Kenny skipped off, and Craig began to follow. They walked around for some time, in the direction of Stark's Pond, but it seemed to be quite a long walk, and progress was slow.

Kenny turned toward Craig and called to him, “Feldspar, darling, this seems to be rather slow going. We ought to speed up a little! Come, we shall race there!” 

With that, Kenny took off running, giggling happily, and Craig gave chase. As they ran, Kenny seemed to always be just far away enough so that he was still visible, but never close enough that Craig could reasonably pass him. Growling under his breath, Craig muttered an incantation and began to run faster as the shadows lengthened around him, increasing the length of his strides.

“Oh no you don't!” Kenny cried; he reached under his dress and pulled out a small, hollow pink plastic ball, which he threw at Craig. 

“Ah! What is that?” Craig asked as it hit him.

“An Anti-Magic Orb, of course! No cheating!” Kenny said teasingly, wagging his finger. 

Craig groaned and kept running, now closer to Kenny than he had been. Soon, they were both rushing down a dirt path, then through the forest; it was difficult to see Kenny through the dense foliage, but Craig could hear the boy giggling just ahead of him. Soon, he sprang out of the trees, tackling Kenny to the ground. 

“Gotcha!” he said.

“Oh, help, help! I'm being accosted!” Kenny cried out playfully, before worming out of Craig's grip. 

The princess laid back elegantly, pulling a twig out of her hair, and sighed dreamily.

“Isn't this place simply the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?” 

Craig sat up and immediately gasped as he got a proper look at the area.

They were in a clearing, surrounded on all sides by trees, so that it seemed they were completely isolated from the outside world. The ring was filled with many different kinds of flowers, all beautiful bright colors, and butterflies & other creatures wandered freely, unafraid and unbothered by them. It took Craig's breath away.

“Yes...it  _ is  _ the most beautiful thing I've ever seen,” he said breathily. “A-aside from you, of course, Princess.”

“Oh!” Kenny covered his face with his white handkerchief, to hide his blush, and giggled once again. “You are too kind to me, good Sir Feldspar.”

Craig mumbled something unintelligible and blushed slightly in return.

“You know, your strategy in the fight was rather impressive. A bit too passive for my taste, but effective,” Kenny continued. 

“Well, uh, heh, it's nothing for a level 12 thief/level 6 dark mage with 15 strength and 13 dexterity and charisma,” Craig bragged, grinning confidently, clearly trying to show off. 

“Mm. Yes, well, a level 20 princess with 18 charisma and 15 dexterity and intelligence is nothing to scoff at either,” replied Kenny, smirking a little.

Craig's jaw dropped, and he stammered, “L-level twen...eighteen charisma…”

“Well, you wouldn't expect anything less from your princess, would you?” Kenny responded teasingly. “It was rather difficult to get this powerful, however—I had to master several other classes before even attempting to promote to Princess. However, I now have proficiency with bows and daggers, as well as summoning and restorative magic.”

“Jeez...you really optimized your build,” Craig said sheepishly, scratching the back of his head and grinning a little awkwardly. 

“Quite.”

“Though, uh, I woulda expected you to be level 10! ‘Cause, uh, you're...a 10...y'know, like you're hot.”

Craig's voice trailed off, and he cleared his throat awkwardly. 

“Hm,” Kenny said, nodding. “You commoners have rather curious expressions. Oh!” 

The princess sat up and let out a hushed gasp.

“Look over there,” he whispered, pointing to a nearby doe drinking from a pond. 

“It certainly is something,” Craig responded, though a bit flatly; he had never liked deer much, as their eyes creeped him out. 

“Indeed. ‘Tis truly a majestic creature.”

Craig slowly stood up and assumed a crouching position, the one he used for stealth purposes. He then began to move towards the doe, slowly and carefully.

“What on earth are you doing?” Kenny whispered.

Craig didn't respond, but instead held up his hand to indicate Kenny should be silent; the suggestion was reluctantly obeyed. He continued to approach the deer, getting closer and closer. Soon, it was within his reach. He bent down a small bit more, and, with cat-like reflexes and agility, sprang at the doe—

And missed it entirely. It ran away the second he pounced at it, and Craig fell face-first into the pond it had been drinking from. Kenny stood up and rushed over to him, grabbed at his arm, and helped him stand up. 

“What in the name of the gods were you attempting, Sir Feldspar?” 

“I wanted to catch it for you,” he mumbled shamefully, his face flushed; even the cold pond water didn't alleviate the heat of his blush.

“Oh, you poor dear. Your wisdom score must be quite low to attempt something like that,” sighed Kenny, shaking his head a little.

“Yep, only a 9…”

The blond gently placed his hand under Craig's chin and tilted his face up. The sensation of Kenny’s delicate touch and his soft gloves caused Craig to grow even more flustered. As Kenny examined Craig's face, looking for any injuries, he began to laugh a little, his fake high-pitched giggles sometimes replaced by rapid chuckling—his real voice. 

“What?”

“Oh...oh, dear,” Kenny panted, wiping a tear from his eye, as his princess voice slowly returned. “You’re as red as a beet, Sir Feldspar, and your hair is all wet. Forgive me, but you look rather silly.”

“O-oh yeah?” stammered Craig, glaring a little. “Well, let's see how you look with water on  _ your  _ face!”

He reached down to the pond, cupped some water in his hands, and splashed it into Kenny, who threw up his arm to protect himself. 

He laughed again and cried out, “Why, Feldspar! That water is freezing!” 

The two continued to splash and play for some time until they both realized they were getting hungry. Craig quickly rushed home and returned with a basket of sandwiches, lemonade, soda, and cupcakes. Kenny initially tried to decline, saying he didn't want to take anything from Craig's house, but Craig assured him that he didn’t mind; he explained that it had been placed on his doorstep, with a handwritten note signed by Tweek, Clyde, Jimmy, and Token. The two, tired and hungry from their games, eagerly began eating; oddly, Craig thought that he saw Kenny's eyes light up as he was handed the food. 

“Mm...I never knew commoner food could taste so good,” Kenny praised.

Craig grinned and said, “Tweek would probably say something cheesy like…” He attempted to mimic Tweek's high-pitched voice, but due to their voices being so different, it was not very accurate: “‘It’s prepared with love.’”

“Y-yes...friendly love, of course. I doubt Tweek has any designs on you,” Kenny said, gripping some of the soft grass in his hand.

They soon finished eating. Setting the basket aside, Craig stood back up and began twirling a knife (made of wood, of course) between his fingers, then hurled it at a nearby tree, where it sunk into the wood and sent pieces of bark flying. Not to be outdone, Kenny smirked at him, drew his bow, and loosed an arrow which went sailing towards the same tree, splitting his knife in half. Craig was once again struck dumb, only able to stammer incomprehensibly.

They kept up their games and conversation for some time; eventually, however, it was dusk, and Craig glanced up at the sky and said he should probably be getting home. 

“But before I go, Princess...here.” 

Craig deftly picked a light yellow flower and handed it to his companion, who took it between two fingers.

“Thank you...good Sir Feldspar,” was all the princess said before the two went their separate ways, back to reality to live out their normal humdrum lives.   


Years passed. As time went on, Craig became more and more interested in space, often inviting his friends out to stargaze or enlisting the help of Kyle, Tweek, or Token to understand some high-level astronomy book. Once he came of age and had saved up enough money, he bid his friends and family goodbye, gave Tricia one more playful noogie, and moved away to study astrophysics. As he left that quiet little mountain town behind, he glanced back for a brief moment before returning his gaze to his front, to the future...


	3. Discontinuation and Synopsis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, this fic is being discontinued. I just don't have the energy to write it on top of all my other in-progress fics and ideas. I'm deeply sorry if I've disappointed anyone. However, I will post a synopsis of what WOULD have happened had the fic continued. In the unlikely event that anyone wants to write the rest, please feel free to do so.
> 
> Maybe I'll come back to it someday, but for now, "A Wonderland All Our Own" is over. However, in a way, maybe that means Kenny and Craig will always be in that meadow- a princess and the thief who stole her heart, alone together.

After Craig and Kenny return home, time passes and they grow up. Craig moves away to go to college, but he's forced to come back when his father dies. As he mourns at the funeral, he notices that Karen's there comforting Tricia, and Kenny is nearby. Kenny approaches Craig and comforts him, recommending that he think of something that makes him happy. Craig starts talking about space, and Kenny notices how happy he looks & brings it up. Craig says that he must look the way Kenny did when he wore his princess dress. Craig goes back to his house with Tricia and reminisces about being little.

The next day, Kenny goes to Craig's house and offers to play Stick of Truth with him again to hopefully cheer him up. Craig initially refuses, thinking it's immature, but is eventually convinced. He then says that his costume doesn't fit him anymore, but Kenny tells him to go to Bebe's house so she can resize it for him, which he does. Bebe and Craig catch up while she works; she admits that she had a crush on him when they were kids, but after he moved away, she decided it wasn't worth chasing after someone who she might never see again, and got together with Clyde instead. Bebe also says that Kenny had feelings for Craig too, and that the two of them would have friendly competitions as they fought for his affection.

Craig returns to Kenny wearing his rogue/dark mage outfit, and Kenny asks if Tricia and Karen can play too. Craig says yes. Bebe then shows up with some of the others, saying they want to play, and eventually it turns into a town-wide game.

At the end of it, everyone goes home, with a few people (Kyle, Stan, Clyde, Tweek, etc.) saying how much they missed Craig and that they want to play again tomorrow. Craig approaches Kenny and asks if he really had feelings for him when they were younger, and Kenny says yes. Craig admits he felt the same way, and that he remembers their romantic day together as one of the best of his life. He offers to redo it now that he's less awkward, but Kenny declines, saying he did- and still does- love Craig despite his flaws. They both return home, intending to play again the next day, and Craig thinks to himself that he can put off growing up for a while.


End file.
